We have all faced the pressures of advertising and the media and viewed the pictures of the perfect parent creating this grand feast of beautiful, delicious foods.
We've read the parenting books or seen them selling big time on the Internet. And the memes on Facebook and Twitter! Oh, my, the advice for parents is rich with guilt and shame.
All of this is worse, much worse for parents who are turning their lives around in 12-step recovery programs. Hitting bottom and grabbing ahold of a life without drugs and/or alcohol changes your life and your relationships with your children. Now you want to be a good parent, the perfect parent. Erase all the damage your kids experienced. Give them a picture-perfect holiday dinner.
You might want to cook too many complicated dishes. Or spend more money than you have. Or cease all negativity and skip painful discussions. You imagine your kids all behaving exactly as you want. After all, you've changed.
It just doesn't work that way.
It's not possible. No one can live up to a fantasy image. It's made up. You are human. Your kids are human. And we all make mistakes. Our families all have our own unique, painful histories. Holidays bring them out.
As a parenting and child life coach, I see this desire to be perfect all the time. People buy into the ideas designed to sell them foods they don't need, services they cannot afford, and actions harmful to them.
A desire to be perfect actually stops your growth and progress. It prevents you from reaching a goal. Here, your goal is a healthy family Thanksgiving Day or dinner. And healthy is real, not perfect.
But Thanksgiving, a day to be thankful, brings your history out in full traumatic view for all to see. You most of all.
What can you do to help yourself and your kids?
◆ Be truthful with your family about the challenges you all face this Thanksgiving.
This involves talking with each other. Letting your children and significant other have their say. With younger children, you can draw family pictures and talk about them with each other. Or play Thanksgiving with dolls, stuffed animals and even toy cars.
◆ Find out what each member of your family wants and needs for this holiday.
This involves listening which is really difficult when you want everything to be perfect. People don't all agree. Their needs are not the same. Their wants can often be in conflict. Something as simple as one person wants a traditional turkey, and another wants ham can cause arguments and disappointment.
◆ Open your mind to compromises.
Compromise is difficult when it's competing with media images of perfection. People may want foods different from a standard Thanksgiving. Or at different times and places. Listening well to everyone makes it more possible you and your family can find answers that are perfect to you.
◆ Discard guilt and shame.
This is the most challenging task. Fellow members in your 12-step meetings tell you that you have a disease, and you are not a disease. Identify yourself as the person attempting to recover from that disease. Progress with your children speeds up if you forgive yourself. And use your program writing, meetings, telephone calls, and sponsor to work on the guilt and shame. It's doesn't have to remain a part of your children's lives.
I value your opinions and hope you'll comment. I think discussions about ideas and experiences are great. Please add your thoughts in the comment box below. I'll do my best to respond promptly.