I’ll admit I have my own stories of feeling the pressure to buy to excess for my children. To make up for the poverty, deprivation, and abuse of my childhood. And to make up for the sadnesses and stress of my adult life. Some are funny, and some are sad.
One year my late husband and I celebrated Christmas twice. We gave in to his need to open presents now, now and now. Then realized we had nothing for Christmas day, so we shopped all over again. Or the Christmas we pushed our shopping cart filled to brim with toys only to hear the cashier’s surprised query, “How many children you have?”
We behaved like the needy children we were inside. And attempted to fill that need through giving to our children.
I can hear the different voices driving people to give in to the “Christmas Spirit” of buy, buy and spend, spend. Spend until you hurt. There is a general pressure on all parents to give material goods to your children. And then there is an internal pressure unique to each of us.
The internal nagging voice becomes specific when it hits the painful points of your individual history of lack, desire, harm, and sadness.
Here are some hopefully helpful hints:
◆ Recognize that everyone feels these pressures
It doesn’t matter what your personal circumstances are, everyone you encounter feels a need to have the perfect Christmas.
It helps if you realize that the pressure to perform perfection is based on false ideas. That way you can reduce the expectations you place on yourself and your family.
◆ Judging and measuring your performance by the media portrayal of Christmas is destructive.
There is not enough money in the world to create a Christmas like the movies. There are not enough presents, decorations, food, or drink to create that happiness portrayed in Christmas movies. Trying to live up to those expectations will only lead to a sense of failure.
Instead, try to sort out what your very own values are for this holiday. Ask yourself if they are reasonable. If not, keep sorting until you can answer in a way that is true to you.
◆ Realize your child is not you.
This can be a profound realization for people who grew up in dysfunctional, addictive or abusive homes. Your child doesn’t have your parents, grandparents or aunts and uncles. If you are reading this column, you have most likely made a concerted effort to parent differently than your experiences.
It’s a difficult distinction, but I’ve seen people regularly mistake their healthy dynamic children for the hurt child they were. Missing completely the reality that they, themselves are good and nurturing parents. That means their child has good and nurturing parents.
◆ Spent some personal quiet time somewhere, somehow before you shop.
Actually, this could probably be your first action. Spend some quiet time sorting through your expectations, needs, wants, values and the pressures on you. That way you can tone down your expectations and come up with plans.
One plan is how you can resist the external pressures of advertising and other people. Another is for how you can cope with your internal pressures of feelings, personal history, and love for your child(ren). Still, another is a strategy approaching your children’s expectations, wants, and needs. That way you have your individual plan for shopping.
◆ Make a list.
This gets easier if you do the steps above. After you’ve eliminated the ghosts of your past and the false pressures of today, you are more likely to create a shopping list that meets the current needs of your family.
This is your invitation to submit topics you’d like to read about. If what you want fits my knowledge base, I will consider writing about it. Submit your thoughts and questions to my email address: aGentleDrLaura@ColemanLifeCoaching.com.
