We just finished reading the book, For The Love of Men – A New Vision For Mindful Masculinity. The author, Liz Plank, describes how we integrate the roles we've been socialized into.
This still means, for boys, certain expectations about performance, status, and behavior. Boys can be assertive, knowledgeable, in charge, athletic, determined. Less accepted are tenderness, uncertainty, sensitivity, and empathy.
Boys to men
In the workplace and in cultural expectations, this can translate into devaluing domestic skills, honoring work over caretaking, and expecting the man's principle role to be breadwinner. These expectations result in "gendered falsehoods about caretaking and the policies that they end up creating."
The masculinity norms we too often place on our boys make it challenging to be an involved father. This is even truer for men of color, particularly African American men, where societal barriers have resulted in high degrees of incarceration, incomplete educational attainment, and insufficient economic condition, impacting job opportunities and affecting parental success.
We need to do a better job of teaching our boys how to be fully human. And we need to be effective role models ourselves.
The role model search
Too often, our search for role models can bring disappointment. Honesty and inspiration can lead to duplicity and greed. The hero is uncovered as a cheat. The successful CEO has built a house of cards. The superstar who basks in glory and fame lacks a profound sense of responsibility.
What does it do to a young person when his football hero is on trial for murder? How is a youthful fan affected when her heartthrob performer kicks or spits at a photographer? How deceived all of us are when we learn that a sports legend took performance enhancing drugs in order to achieve what seemed impossible. Or when our leaders don't tell us the truth. Whom do we believe? Whom do we trust? Whom do we want our children to emulate? The answer may be— no one but dad.
A man of influence
Dad, your role is larger than you may have ever thought. Our world of high-tech glitz, glitter and greed, of pixels that can go global in seconds, where every single person can literally grab 15 minutes or more of fame (or infamy) … shrinks in comparison to the lasting influence you can have on your children.
We have often said that your teenager may go through a period where he or she never looks at you; on the other hand, he or she is always looking up to you.
How ironic it is that dads, us included, have sometimes felt invisible to their children, ghosts in their own homes. Yet, it would seem that dad's mere presence, his actions, his beliefs, his voice, even his humor and laughter are observed and often imitated by his children.
Dad, find the right role models for your children – adults of substance and character. And be one yourself. Provide a full example of what it means to be a man. Show empathy, compassion, humility as well as "traditional" male traits.
Be the role model your child deserves. Dad, you're it!