Our kids got frustrated, sometimes. We all do.
This happened most often with schoolwork or with athletic or music activities. We recall hearing those familiar words, "I can't do it," or "I give up," sometimes followed by, "Besides, it's stupid." Sometimes this was enhanced with the corollary, "My teacher is so unfair." You've probably heard these phrases too, perhaps even the real zinger, "I'm so stupid."
How do you set the stage for growth, encourage your teen when the struggle gets a bit tough and create a positive impact?
The struggle
Whenever our teens are trying to understand a new concept, master a new skill or learn a new idea, the process can turn into a struggle and sometimes a downhill slide. What we always wanted was for our kids to take on new learning opportunities, do their best, even if it meant struggling and still maintain their confidence and benefit from the struggling. It can be a tricky balance.
If the struggle is too difficult, particularly if it involves pressure, criticism, and ridicule from parents, it can turn to failure and diminished confidence. Bill still feels the sting of disappointment and failure when his dad told him, "You should know this by now. I don't see why you can't get it." This discouragement can have a negative impact on taking on new challenges. Kids can slip into believing that they can't do it so why try? This can stop them in their tracks.
Stay on a positive path
Try to keep expectations reasonable. The goal should be a bit beyond reach but not so high that it is unachievable. Just because you understand something doesn't mean your teen can in the same way. Your child may need a better example or a different method of teaching the concept.
Balancing frustration. Recognize when frustration becomes counterproductive, when your child is getting upset, angry, or discouraged. Intervene and provide a break. Maybe a distraction would be helpful, an opportunity to focus on something else
Return to the beginning. Try simplifying the challenge, and help break large concepts into smaller parts.
Provide encouragement. People learn at different speeds and in different ways. Be sensitive to how your teen learns. Mention those things your child does well. Compliment his effort. Affirm her skills, abilities and overall value.
Consider the environment. At a later time, ask yourself, "Why is my child struggling?" Are there unexpressed problems that are keeping your teen from learning or performing?
Provide balance. You want your child to achieve. Sometimes that takes struggle. What you don't want is struggle that turns negative and impacts their sense of self.
Keep communication open. Review difficult situations at a later time. Discuss the struggle with your teen. Ask questions about their struggle, their getting mad or frustrated, how it felt when they said, "I can't do this." Keep it positive.