There are a lot of skills you need to develop in this world in order to survive: financial savvy, time management, personal development.
There is one skill that to me comes in at No. 1, however. One trait that impacts our rise and fall in society more than any other. Colloquially, its called “people skills” or "soft skills," although more traditionally it is interpersonal skills.
What do I mean when I say “people skills?”
Well, the term is generally used in a plural form, “skills,” but we treat it often as if it were a singular trait.
In reality, it’s a toolbox that contains many different skills which we bring forth individually or in combinations appropriate to the situation.
Usually, we don’t acknowledge them individually, preferring to use the blanket term such as when we say “He handled that group well. He has great people skills.”
Perhaps in this example, the primary ability referred to was actually patience. Or Empathy. Or intellectual understanding. It could be any one of several traits used on their own, or a blending of them in a seamless interaction.
At its root, these interpersonal skills are a form of communication. Whether it's verbal, physical, or situational when we engage in any level of interaction with an individual or group we are using some form of people skills.
They are the vehicles by which we let people know what we expect from them. What we want them to do. Where we want them to go. It can be overt or covert. It can be intentional or subconscious.
At the same time, others are engaging us in the same manner. Multiply this by each ring in our social circles and it becomes a fractal ballet, an enormous web of interconnected spiders each running to and from the plethora of tugs on its collective thread.
In the last 15 years, the advent of social media and nearly instantaneous global communication has compounded the avenues of communication and the need for “people skills” exponentially.
Let’s look at an example.
The TV show “Naked and Afraid” involves inserting a man and woman sans clothing and nearly any tools into harsh environments in order to attempt a survival situation there.
The abilities each contestant brings to the event are focused on largely in terms of physical and intellectual aptitude. Fire-making, hunting, botanical knowledge, etc.
My observation on nearly every episode is that their degree of success falls in large part on their interpersonal relationship.
On one episode in particular, the contestants had spent two of the required three weeks doing poorly. The male contestant began the adventure boasting of his fire-making skills, yet had spent 14 days unable to do so. Hunting and foraging produced next to nothing between the two. Building a shelter was a battle of clashing suggestions.
As the harshness of the situation increased, the cooperative spirit declined. The male became more and more critical and controlling of the female, attempting to drive her into his desired behavior.
At two weeks, communication had broken down completely with the female requesting that they not talk at all. The male demanded that she communicate, even on non-essential matters. The female tapped out and left the show to return home.
The day she left, suddenly the male was able to get a fire going, successfully hunted for food and the entire situation turned 180 degrees. He finished the challenge by himself for the last week and thrived during that time. The entire last week he spent all of his camera time berating his former companion
The inability of the two to establish a relationship using “people” skills caused the optimal outcome…both contestants lasting three weeks…to fail. In fact, success at any level only came after one contestant left, removing the system of necessary interaction and communication.
When you hear the phrase “He/she doesn’t have any people skills,” that’s usually not accurate.
Everyone does, but its how you use them and to what degree that makes for a more or less desirable interaction with others.
Some people are very cognizant of their ability to interact with others and willfully engage in societal situations to influence others for a variety of reasons.
Others may be oblivious to how their influence causes the ebb and flow of relations with their social rings. No matter how you utilize your “people skills” know that you do so constantly, even if its in an attempt to isolate yourself.
We are all present for the ball, and each day is a clear invitation to the dance.
Suggested readings
Forbes: 20 People Skills You Need to Succeed at Work
