We are not the same, me and you
Each one, not two
But when I am me, without you
And when we are together
Though a different two
My heart espies immortal truth
What wonder, sages, priests and poets knew
Love. It is the mystery we want to solve, a flame we want to fan, the touch we want to feel, the dream we chase and the shadow we want to make real.
Love is exciting – like Christmas my senior year of college when my parents gave me the unexpected surprise of a car. It was a yellow, semi-automatic Volkswagen Bug with a sun roof. Although it was just what I wanted and needed, I would first need to learn how to drive it. And learn to drive it, I did. And before long, I knew my little yellow car by heart, and we were quite the traveling companions.
Mastering the art of love is similar. We practice, till we know each other by heart.
“We are not the same, you and me,” is an observation which probably has been made thousands of times over throughout the centuries, by men and women, husbands and wives. While an astute observation, the answer, even now, seems to remain open-ended as to how to relate to it.
He tends to be a “hunter”. He is focused, committed and results oriented. His focus, commitment and orientation is, for the most part, about investment and return; the value of the task being done, as well as the value of the result. He internally evaluates the worth of the result, the difference it makes, and what it will take to produce desired results, minus the sacrifice it will take to accomplish the task.
If a woman wants to connect with her man, giving him the gift of being seen will help bring that about. Asking questions about what is important to him and how she can support him means everything to a man.
She tends to be a “gatherer”. She is externally oriented. Her focus, different from his, is considered “diffused”, meaning she sees the environment as a whole, tending to create a “pull” for her to see what needs to be done. This “pull” has the effect of a voice calling to her, and creates expectations.
The “pulls” and the expectations for her, translate into keeping something, “as it should be”. When something is “as it should be”, it’s an invisible zero. When something is not “as it should be”, it’s a negative. The getting to “zero” tends to be worth it for her, because then the “pull” will stop talking to her.
He needs to “do nothing” and rest, as a man, in order to produce testosterone – the hormone which gives him his “manliness”, and the male energy to produce results.
She needs to “putter” to keep peace with the things that “pull” her in the environment. She also engages her hands while talking. These rhythmic hand motions she uses for expression, help to produce the hormone oxytocin, as does the “puttering”.
The Oxytocin hormone, usually found at higher levels in women, is associated with orgasm, childbirth and breast-feeding, as well as with the emotional qualities of empathy, trust and relationship building. Often called the “love hormone”, its levels increase during hugging and orgasm. It is also known to be beneficial for treating depression, anxiety and intestinal problems.
These few short explanations offer us helpful perspectives on the specifics of how men and women are not the same. But having information does not always keep us from disappointment, or frustration, because in fact, our differences often can effect, and even interfere with interactions between the opposite sexes. So how might we find the uniting of complimentary ways in being with each other and experience the intimacy we crave and need? Below are a few thoughts which I hope will be of help and bring comfort:
- Acknowledging that answering the many “pulls” of culture can both interfere and be detrimental to our ways of operating, may be a good place to begin. The constant changing demands of our culture increase our vulnerability to chronic fatigue, effecting levels of important male and female hormones of testosterone and oxytocin.
- Honoring the place of men is important. Without honoring the place of a man, women tend to feel weakness in him. This sense of weakness can bring about a fear in her, initiating bigger and stronger instincts to be “on” all of the time. In addition to the stronger and bigger instincts being on constantly, she may assume a heavy responsibility, which tends to create a low-grade fever of fear. She feels burdened, like she is carrying the whole load, and would be better off without the man. The adaptive response, is that her system changes and alters dramatically, due to the sense of weakness she feels toward the man in her life or men, and not being able to honor the suspended testosterone cycle.
- Honoring the place of women is important. She desires sincerity and congruity. If the words and feelings don’t match, then they will not register. A lack of congruity will “train” her not to act. Communication, through conversation, is the key to clarity for her. It is important to her to have a source that she feels safe with and trusts.
~
Oh, the comfort
the inexpressible comfort
of feeling safe
with a person
having neither to weigh thoughts
nor measure words
But pouring them all right out
just as they are
chaff and grain
together
Certain that a faithful hand
will take and sift them
keep what is worth keeping
And then with the breath of kindness
blow the rest away
~Dina Maria Mulock Craik
(1826-1887)
I hope this article has been helpful and enjoyable. Wishing a Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone.
The information regarding the differences in men and women is adapted from Allison Armstrong PhD and her work Why Men Do The Things They Do. Allison has focused her research on men for over thirty years. You can find more resources on her website.
Paulette is a wife, mother, grand-mother, writer, poet, and Licensed Professional Counselor for women and couples. As a therapist, her interest is to support clients in relating to life in a more connected, authentic way, as well as with a greater sense of well-being with others, themselves, their heart and soul. Writing, whether it is a blog, a poem, or a published article, is a part of that support. Read more on her blog www.facetsofcounseling.wordpress.com or email her at facets@bellsouth.net
