When Bill's sons were in Boy Scouts, they had to learn the Scout Oath and Law. Most of you know them. The first point of the Scout Law is "Tell the truth and keep promises."
We both tried to instill this in our children (Bill's two sons, Tom's two daughters). It didn't always work. Sometimes “Did you finish your homework?” was met with the universal “I don't have any,” a less than convincing silent shrug, a minimal nod, or our favorite, “Yeah, I guess.”
Other times questions like, “Did you sign up for the test like I asked?” or “Where are you going tonight?” were met with a meandering response that left us dads perplexed.
Today, however, dishonesty has become a cottage industry. Whether it's major financial institutions creating millions of phony accounts and defrauding clients of money, a large group of parents, coaches and college prep officials falsify school exams or even our own political leaders fudging the truth on many occasions.
When our leaders lie, what hope do we parents have for instilling truthfulness in our children?
Why and how kids lie
Kids lie to protect someone else, to appear more popular or powerful, or to avoid punishment. At times, they lie to avoid being embarrassed or taking responsibility. Frequently, lies are tools to cover up for some nefarious behavior. Lying can be specific but it can also be the omission of facts, leaving out what you don't want others to know.
How parents can handle lying
Diffuse. Don't react. Stay calm. It's best if you can take a step back and consider the circumstance and possible reasons your child is not being honest before talking about it.
Investigate. Maybe the lie has to do with a bad grade, manipulation by someone else, or the desire to do something you wouldn't want your child doing. It could be the fear of reprisal based on the way you responded to an issue in the past.
Be reasonable. While you definitely want to hold your child accountable, you want to use the situation as an opportunity to educate, to talk about honesty and forthrightness, to stress being a person who says and does the right thing.
Communicate. Be tuned in to what's going on in your child's life. Know what's important to her. Find out what he is involved in. Listen! Provide an environment where your kids can talk with you.
Choose honesty. Teens notice what you do and how you act. They recognize inconsistency. Reflect on your own relationship with the truth.
Be clear. Make sure your kids know your expectations and the reasons behind them. Hold them accountable but be reasonable.
Provide respect. There's a fine balance between oversight, safety, and intrusiveness. Just as anger will cause kids to retreat, so too will embarrassment, criticism, and unreasonable punishment.
Telling a lie can be like grabbing an alligator by the tail. You might be able to get away with it for a while—until the other end swings around and bites you. Eventually the lie is uncovered.
