We've written a lot about the art of being a good listener. There's just no way to get better at it than to practice. But there's much more involved in listening than just keeping one's mouth closed. Dad, you know this. You have a million things on your mind. Seventy-five of those distractors are at the office … or are they? Dad, you must leave your office at your office.

Listening in the passing lane

Listening effectively means that you have to slow down. You can't listen well on the fly.

If you try to focus on what your son or daughter is saying to you while you are bounding around the kitchen corner, grabbing your tablet and inhaling a cup of coffee (that you can't taste because your taste buds have gone on strike), the message you broadcast loudly and clearly is that your teen's issue is No. 76 on your “to-do list”—squeezed out by those 75 office tasks. 

Some of us dads tune out so skillfully that we've become superb at it. We can put on the brakes, put down the tablet and coffee, and sit. We can look our son or daughter in the eyes and put on our “my face is listening but my brain is propelling me out the door and into the car.”

We can sit straight in the chair, nod our heads as we hear sounds coming out of junior's mouth and already be in that 9 a.m. meeting with the sales team. Then the dreaded question comes: “What do you think, dad?” Your hand goes up to your chin, your fingers play with your lips, and you respond, “Let me think about that, son.”

Mom confronts you later that evening. “Your son told you this morning that he was selected valedictorian of his class, and he couldn't wait for your reaction … and you had to think about it?”  

The brush-off

Our kids will forgive us for almost any breach of parenting—except not paying attention to them. When they're talking to us, and we're somewhere else, it's a brush-off—and they feel it. Our non-response indicates that what they have to tell us is not very important. Too many automatic head nods are a tip-off that dad just might start snoring in the middle of the conversation. It's just plain rude. 

What's in your toolbox?

In his book, Be a Better Dad Today (Revell), Gregory Slayton spells out the three keys to careful listening.

First, you must put aside all distractions and focus your full attention on the speaker. “This will show the person that you value what he or she is saying.”

Second, ask good questions and be ready when you're asked for feedback.

Third, bring up the conversation a few days later. “Your child or spouse will appreciate that you remembered the conversation and care enough … to bring it up again.”

If active listening is in your toolbox, dad, you will build solid and lasting relationships.