Hello Ellie:

I am writing to you because my grandkids are rotten. The older they get, the more stuff they want and get it from indulgent parents. When I complain about their behavior, I get my daughter-in-law telling me it is none of my business and my son says nothing. Their behavior is so bad, they are an embarrassment in church, so I stopped taking them. I don’t take my granddaughter shopping because she wants to dress like a street walker at 15, and I won't have it; then her mother goes and buys her what she wants, and she seriously looks like a street walker. I don’t think my 10-year-old granddaughter needs thong panties and make up, my goodness she is only in 4th grade, but this is bought for her, again by her mother. And my grandson is 16 and wants to be a good kid, I can feel it, but he is not going in the right path. He has had two cars, wrecked both of them, and his mother keeps stuffing money in his pocket and bought yet another car. My family is going to hell in a handbasket.

- Distressed Nana in Murfreesboro

Dear Distressed Nana:

Often I have wondered if some parents feel they are being successful at parenting by gift giving rather than spending time with their children. If this is a two-wage earner home pursing some type of measured success, this can take away from the time children need, so often people compensate with gifts, and the end results are brats. While many of us grew up in two wage earner homes, myself included, love and attention is more powerful and life lasting, than a present to be forgotten.

I think you are doing the right thing by not encouraging the behavior, but you are not going to change the situation by complaining about it to the children and daughter-in-law.  I would not recommend bypassing the in-law, but you are in desperate need for a long talk with your son, which is appropriate, if well-thought-out. I would never recommend interfering in a marriage, but this is about children, not their marriage, so steer clear of in-law comments.

Makes me wonder why the mother is acting with the mentality that she would rather be her children’s friend than a parent. Her only job is to parent and that is the toughest job ever, she doesn’t have time for friendship, that comes when they are in their 30s.

Keep taking them to church, they will learn life lessons, and continue to spend time with each of them alone and together. They need you and your good sense. Don’t give up.

- Ellie

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